Have you noticed that I am neither a housewife (full time domestic goddess) nor hipster.
I don't know. Maybe I need to switch up the title here. Honestly, it's more aspirational that realistic.
I want to love to cook. I am a little bit of an obsessive cleaner. I do believe in hospitality.
But as for the hipster thing- no tattoos, no piercings except the ears, to speak of.
What's my deal?
What's a hipster anyway?
I am a worship leader and songwriter. I write essays too and poems. I am a mother, and a wife (this is much more challenging that leading worship or writing songs).
But what I am above all else is a daughter of God, right, so what I do or how I do it shouldn't define me.
Yet it's so much easier, and more interesting frankly, to put on a pretty dress, even if it doesn't fit.
Does that metaphor suck? Know what I mean?
If I'm not a mommy this, or hipster that, if I'm just Cameron- is that enough?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Songwriting Thingy
So, I bought a ticket to be a part of Art House Dallas's songwriting workshop thingy that's going down on Saturday with Charlie Peacock. It's gonna be way cooler than it's FB page would have you think.
I really want to go but I think I might be extra crazy to think I can pull this off then rush back for worship all day Sunday.
Anybody know of a couch I can sleep on Fri night?
I really want to go but I think I might be extra crazy to think I can pull this off then rush back for worship all day Sunday.
Anybody know of a couch I can sleep on Fri night?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Small group family
Good news pray-ers, my father is waiting to be discharged from the place I've come to refer to as the death management machine. Not that's it's not a great hospital, it is.
He still has pnuemonia but they are letting him go and he will be heading back to Jersey tomorrow.
Phew. That was something.
I am so grateful for our small group family- who were praying- and sending me encouraging messages throughout this trying week. I am also super grateful to all my friends and family whose many messages were sometimes the only thing that kept me from becoming completely unhinged.
Small group is where it's at. It's where real life happens together. I cannot imagine going through any of the trials of life without community. I am super grateful.
Now, on to watching Electric Company and eating goldfish with Syd.
THANK YOU.
He still has pnuemonia but they are letting him go and he will be heading back to Jersey tomorrow.
Phew. That was something.
I am so grateful for our small group family- who were praying- and sending me encouraging messages throughout this trying week. I am also super grateful to all my friends and family whose many messages were sometimes the only thing that kept me from becoming completely unhinged.
Small group is where it's at. It's where real life happens together. I cannot imagine going through any of the trials of life without community. I am super grateful.
Now, on to watching Electric Company and eating goldfish with Syd.
THANK YOU.
Christina
Friends, the good people at The High Calling have published an essay I wrote about our experience in Moldova.
Please read, comment, join the conversation!
Love, Me
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sarah
(photo by Brooke Schwab)
These are some words I wrote Tuesday early evening, after spending some time at Sarah's bedside, singing songs, holding her hand. She smiled. I know it took all she had to smile at me but she did. I will never ever ever for as long as I live forget those beautiful, precious moments. I am so grateful that I was included in those moments. They have changed me forever.
Sarah
Sail on silver girl
you've reached the mountaintop
and there's nothing but blue skies ahead
Fly, fly away sweet Sarah
we will miss you so
but we know where you are going
and it is beautiful
This is the mountain, and just on
the other side,
is nothing but blue skies
nothing but blue skies
shine bright firefly, shine bright
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday
So, this has been a week. It feels like it's been much longer than a week, because it feels like I've gone through so many emotional changes and stages that I couldn't possibly still be the same person.
When I was in the hospital with my father, at a table in the cafeteria actually, I did something kind of morbid. I wrote a list on a napkin of all the friends and people I've known who have died. Mostly young people (actually all but one) and all tragic circumstances. I just needed to see for myself how many, and who, so God forbid I don't forget anyone. Some were real, dear friends, some more acquaintences- but through each loss I've been changed in some way. I went searching for answers when Matt Liedke died in a car accident when I was sixteen. It took me almost 10 years to find what I was looking for.
I am inexplicably drawn to Jesus because of these experiences. I may be something of an expert on surviving the death of friends and loved ones- making sense out of that which makes no sense.
Christ is the only one, the only God, who beats death, yet still experiences it. Believe me, I tried it all. I dove into everything I could get my hands on- Buddhism, Yoga, Tarot- stuff I'd rather not recount. But through all of it, the only satisfying answer I could get on death came from Jesus followers. Christ is the only one who deals with it head on.
God, knowing death's chokehold on humanity, sent himself, his son (the trinity is one, so Christ and God the Father are one)to experience it, and then defeat it.
We focus on the Easter message sometimes a little too quickly. Let us not forget that the agony we experience when we lose a loved one to death, or the agony we experience when facing our own death- is something that Jesus himself experienced. He's been there before, and He goes there with us again. But here's the good news: Death does not have the last word. But you knew that didn't you?
We all know, deep down, that the people we've loved don't simply vanish when they die. That is a part of our built in resonance with God's story. He made us that way.
At Ecclesia in these last weeks, Chris Seay has given the most beautiful account of Heaven than I ever could hope to hear. (Apparently, in Heaven, I will be able to rap on request. Hooray!)
For these messages, and this time, and this church, I am so grateful. It's affirmed for me that I made the right choice. That 20 years since that first, devastating loss, and 10 years since choosing Christ, I am right where I should be. That I've given myself to the Thing that has gotten me through all the loss I've experienced. "The Thing Itself" and not the myth as the poet says.
I'm not entirely lucid, still quite raw and still conflicted about what to do about the one person in my life whose death I've expected all my life, yet who lives- my 82 year old father.
He is someone whose anger, bitterness and resentment has fueled him to hang onto life by his fingernails- to escape death time and again by the skin of his teeth. I can only imagine that God continues to give him do overs- opportunities to choose rightly. But I cannot know these things, I can only guess.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
When I was in the hospital with my father, at a table in the cafeteria actually, I did something kind of morbid. I wrote a list on a napkin of all the friends and people I've known who have died. Mostly young people (actually all but one) and all tragic circumstances. I just needed to see for myself how many, and who, so God forbid I don't forget anyone. Some were real, dear friends, some more acquaintences- but through each loss I've been changed in some way. I went searching for answers when Matt Liedke died in a car accident when I was sixteen. It took me almost 10 years to find what I was looking for.
I am inexplicably drawn to Jesus because of these experiences. I may be something of an expert on surviving the death of friends and loved ones- making sense out of that which makes no sense.
Christ is the only one, the only God, who beats death, yet still experiences it. Believe me, I tried it all. I dove into everything I could get my hands on- Buddhism, Yoga, Tarot- stuff I'd rather not recount. But through all of it, the only satisfying answer I could get on death came from Jesus followers. Christ is the only one who deals with it head on.
God, knowing death's chokehold on humanity, sent himself, his son (the trinity is one, so Christ and God the Father are one)to experience it, and then defeat it.
We focus on the Easter message sometimes a little too quickly. Let us not forget that the agony we experience when we lose a loved one to death, or the agony we experience when facing our own death- is something that Jesus himself experienced. He's been there before, and He goes there with us again. But here's the good news: Death does not have the last word. But you knew that didn't you?
We all know, deep down, that the people we've loved don't simply vanish when they die. That is a part of our built in resonance with God's story. He made us that way.
At Ecclesia in these last weeks, Chris Seay has given the most beautiful account of Heaven than I ever could hope to hear. (Apparently, in Heaven, I will be able to rap on request. Hooray!)
For these messages, and this time, and this church, I am so grateful. It's affirmed for me that I made the right choice. That 20 years since that first, devastating loss, and 10 years since choosing Christ, I am right where I should be. That I've given myself to the Thing that has gotten me through all the loss I've experienced. "The Thing Itself" and not the myth as the poet says.
I'm not entirely lucid, still quite raw and still conflicted about what to do about the one person in my life whose death I've expected all my life, yet who lives- my 82 year old father.
He is someone whose anger, bitterness and resentment has fueled him to hang onto life by his fingernails- to escape death time and again by the skin of his teeth. I can only imagine that God continues to give him do overs- opportunities to choose rightly. But I cannot know these things, I can only guess.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Dad-gate Day 2
Thankfully, as I'd hoped and prayed, the breathing tube came out this morning, before I saw him. That was pure mercy.
My Dad doesnt' have a tooth in his head, complete dentures, which are out, and so the tube taped down to his mouth looked and was extra torture.
The first thing he asked me was when I am leaving. I am torn about what to do. I really want to be in Houston to mourn with my church community for my friend Sarah. But I don't want my father to be alone.
I want to do the right thing, and I also want to like myself in this situation. I don't want to regret.
The nurse said that there is a chance he could get into a regular room today or tomorrow morning. Once he is out of ICU I will feel better about having to leave.
We spent about 30 minutes looking at pictures of Sydney. He loved it. He hasn't seen her since she was about a year and a half old so he thinks she's changed alot.
He talked to me about his father a little bit. I brought it up. I told him that when I was in Moldova several people told me that I look Moldovan- and my father's family, dark eyes, hair, olive skin, definitely don't look Ukrainian like he thinks they are.
I would love to do some genealogy research and find out.
My dad said "You know my father wasn't a good person."
"Why?" I said.
"Because he left a wife and 4 children!" he exclaimed.
Oh, the irony.
More later.
My Dad doesnt' have a tooth in his head, complete dentures, which are out, and so the tube taped down to his mouth looked and was extra torture.
The first thing he asked me was when I am leaving. I am torn about what to do. I really want to be in Houston to mourn with my church community for my friend Sarah. But I don't want my father to be alone.
I want to do the right thing, and I also want to like myself in this situation. I don't want to regret.
The nurse said that there is a chance he could get into a regular room today or tomorrow morning. Once he is out of ICU I will feel better about having to leave.
We spent about 30 minutes looking at pictures of Sydney. He loved it. He hasn't seen her since she was about a year and a half old so he thinks she's changed alot.
He talked to me about his father a little bit. I brought it up. I told him that when I was in Moldova several people told me that I look Moldovan- and my father's family, dark eyes, hair, olive skin, definitely don't look Ukrainian like he thinks they are.
I would love to do some genealogy research and find out.
My dad said "You know my father wasn't a good person."
"Why?" I said.
"Because he left a wife and 4 children!" he exclaimed.
Oh, the irony.
More later.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Dad-gate
So my father, who is 82 and battling congestive heart failure, an aortic anuerym, (actually, what isn't he battling?) is having a little trouble bouncing back from surgery he had today.
My Dad and I have a checkered past you could say. We sometimes talk. We sometimes don't. Like for 7 years.
I am here because I don't want him to be alone through this. I think he knows I'm here and he's glad, but he's got a ton of post op anxiety and it's really hard to see him all full of tubes and thrashing around. He even cried a little I think.
Please pray his body temp and blood pressure rises so he can get "extubated"- no breathing tube.
Pray for patience for the nurses and doctors, who are great.
Pray for sleep for me.
Thanks.
My Dad and I have a checkered past you could say. We sometimes talk. We sometimes don't. Like for 7 years.
I am here because I don't want him to be alone through this. I think he knows I'm here and he's glad, but he's got a ton of post op anxiety and it's really hard to see him all full of tubes and thrashing around. He even cried a little I think.
Please pray his body temp and blood pressure rises so he can get "extubated"- no breathing tube.
Pray for patience for the nurses and doctors, who are great.
Pray for sleep for me.
Thanks.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sexualization of Young Girls- REDBOOK article
REDBOOK
Click the above link. I can't believe how timely this article is for me, in terms of what I've been thinking.
Basically, it's my worst nightmare as a parent- that my choices and what I allow - and how I allow it or don't-- has a profound effect on my daughter. Am I raising her, or are advertisers?
PLEASE READ THIS and pass it on. It's tremendously insightful as to how to turn back the tide on sexualization of children.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Is the Disney Channel Evil?
I've been hemming and hawing (what does that even mean) about writing this. Partially because I have to admit I've been a lazy parent in respect to what my four year old watches on tv for some time now. And that's not easy to do. It means admitting that I got sucked into the undertow of "It's normal," "it's Disney." I'm not proud of myself. In fact I'm pretty embarresed about it. But I think it would be dishonest not to share what I've learned- even if it means letting you know it took a failure to get me here.
I have an image in my mind of a bull pawing at the ground and snorting smoke out of it's nostrils. I am the bull.
It was a revelation that struck me when we were at Disney World in October; everything is designed to sell, and sell fast. Everywhere I turned I felt like I was being manipulated into an upsell. At Cinderella's castle the photographer asked us how we would like our picture taken with Cinderella- just Cinderella and our daughter, the whole family, ? When I asked if we could do both the photographer broke out an impressive, memorized menu of possible upgrades to the "package" we had already purchased. My mother had done the purchasing and so I had no idea how much everything cost, but I was pretty sure we couldn't afford the upgrade. All around me families were springing for it. And more. While we were in our hotel room one night my mom saw a story on CNN about the amount of welfare money spent at Disney World each year. It's in the millions. It's not just middle class families blowing their credit at the park each year, it's families who receive assistance to pay for basic needs. Why?
Part of it is in the quasi-religious messaging that's driven Disney for generations- about dreams, about love, about beauty...
I couldn't help but notice during one of the stage shows that when the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty emerged, (or Snow White, or Cinderella, insert Princess here) she had a Jewish nose. And was green. But I was there, and I was trying to keep my skepticism to a dull roar.
So back to the Disney Channel. Syd has loved iCarly for a year now, I always thought it was going over her head, and I admit, I was a little proud that she was foregoing cartoons for real people drama. And Carly is smart, and a brunette- how bad could it be?
Before we knew it Syd had moved onto Suite Life on Deck, Sonny with a Chance and Hannah Montana. Though the actors are teenagers the content didn't seem too bad- and beside's she liked it. The fact that she was becoming moodier and sassier didn't seem to register with me. I remember thinking at one point that my daughter is 4 going on 16.
The truth is that the Disney Channel, and Disney World, and America for that matter presents a commercialized, consequence free aspirational fantasy. Sassy teenagers whose parents are little more than the butt of jokes, if they have parents in the picture at all. Teenagers who get ahead by cheating, or being manipulative and who never experience consequences. Female characters modeled on vapid, selfish heiresses. Yeah, so that's what my baby was watching on tv, and I allowed it.
I finally talked to Sydney's teacher about the battles I was having with her over wearing a jacket, going to bed, eating her dinner, etc. Eventually I confessed what she was watching, and as I described it, I realized, I had to make a change.
It's been a week and she's only asked for the Disney Channel once. When I told her why we weren't watching it anymore, she didn't argue. And she is a DIFFERENT child. She is 4 again. She's affectionate, more imaginative, and far far happier and more patient. It's really bizarre. I had no idea, or I didn't want to know how negatively her tv habits were effecting her behaviour.
Now we're watching less tv- but when we do watch we are watching Sprout- PBS's younger channel. Sydney's teacher told me that she is totally different at school since we've stopped the Disney channel at home. She's helpful, affectionate, and more like the child she is, not a Disney-fied version of the teenager I hope she never grows into.
I'll write more later but wanted to get that down. Internets, judge away. I won't judge you for the choices you make, I just want you to know what's working for us.
Love and Cable, C
PS. bottom line- no, the Disney Channel is not evil. But it's not good either.
I have an image in my mind of a bull pawing at the ground and snorting smoke out of it's nostrils. I am the bull.
It was a revelation that struck me when we were at Disney World in October; everything is designed to sell, and sell fast. Everywhere I turned I felt like I was being manipulated into an upsell. At Cinderella's castle the photographer asked us how we would like our picture taken with Cinderella- just Cinderella and our daughter, the whole family, ? When I asked if we could do both the photographer broke out an impressive, memorized menu of possible upgrades to the "package" we had already purchased. My mother had done the purchasing and so I had no idea how much everything cost, but I was pretty sure we couldn't afford the upgrade. All around me families were springing for it. And more. While we were in our hotel room one night my mom saw a story on CNN about the amount of welfare money spent at Disney World each year. It's in the millions. It's not just middle class families blowing their credit at the park each year, it's families who receive assistance to pay for basic needs. Why?
Part of it is in the quasi-religious messaging that's driven Disney for generations- about dreams, about love, about beauty...
I couldn't help but notice during one of the stage shows that when the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty emerged, (or Snow White, or Cinderella, insert Princess here) she had a Jewish nose. And was green. But I was there, and I was trying to keep my skepticism to a dull roar.
So back to the Disney Channel. Syd has loved iCarly for a year now, I always thought it was going over her head, and I admit, I was a little proud that she was foregoing cartoons for real people drama. And Carly is smart, and a brunette- how bad could it be?
Before we knew it Syd had moved onto Suite Life on Deck, Sonny with a Chance and Hannah Montana. Though the actors are teenagers the content didn't seem too bad- and beside's she liked it. The fact that she was becoming moodier and sassier didn't seem to register with me. I remember thinking at one point that my daughter is 4 going on 16.
The truth is that the Disney Channel, and Disney World, and America for that matter presents a commercialized, consequence free aspirational fantasy. Sassy teenagers whose parents are little more than the butt of jokes, if they have parents in the picture at all. Teenagers who get ahead by cheating, or being manipulative and who never experience consequences. Female characters modeled on vapid, selfish heiresses. Yeah, so that's what my baby was watching on tv, and I allowed it.
I finally talked to Sydney's teacher about the battles I was having with her over wearing a jacket, going to bed, eating her dinner, etc. Eventually I confessed what she was watching, and as I described it, I realized, I had to make a change.
It's been a week and she's only asked for the Disney Channel once. When I told her why we weren't watching it anymore, she didn't argue. And she is a DIFFERENT child. She is 4 again. She's affectionate, more imaginative, and far far happier and more patient. It's really bizarre. I had no idea, or I didn't want to know how negatively her tv habits were effecting her behaviour.
Now we're watching less tv- but when we do watch we are watching Sprout- PBS's younger channel. Sydney's teacher told me that she is totally different at school since we've stopped the Disney channel at home. She's helpful, affectionate, and more like the child she is, not a Disney-fied version of the teenager I hope she never grows into.
I'll write more later but wanted to get that down. Internets, judge away. I won't judge you for the choices you make, I just want you to know what's working for us.
Love and Cable, C
PS. bottom line- no, the Disney Channel is not evil. But it's not good either.
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